Adoption Class # 1 Update

Sorry we didn’t get a post right up after we went to the class on Monday. This week we had to wrap up a lot of things in California before we head out North Carolina. We are in route somewhere over Texas as I type.

Well the class was pretty amazing. We were thinking it would be a 3-hour lecture from their staff on Lifelong Adoption Issues, but most of our time we spent with a real live adoptive family, interacting with them, hearing stories, and bouncing questions around. It was great to get the mother’s perspective of what we’ll have to go through in our adoption process. Even more valuable was hearing from her three teenage girls (all who were adopted at various times along the way.)

Let me back up and give some details of the people there and I’ll return to some of the big issues we discussed. There were about 8 couples there, ranging in race. We were the youngest couple there, at least by 5-years. Most couples seemed to be in their mid-30s and all had come from infertility backgrounds. One of the couples had an interview with a prospective birth mother; it was interested hearing their experience. Another couple had an adopted 5-year-old girl and were in the process for her younger sibling arriving. Again, we gained a lot of insight from them.

So here is what we learned while there.

1.) We Can Do It
There was a sense of “can we really parent and gain the respect of a child that did not come from our biology?” The resounding answer is “Yes We Can!” (I know all our democratic friends will like that one.) The mom there was not super mom, but she was a loving caring parent. We can do the loving caring parent thing. We don’t have to be Betty Crocker, June Cleaver, Tim the toolman Taylor, Bill Cosby, Super Mom and Super Dad all in one.

2.) The Issue of Loss
They said it and we talked about it: loss. The pain, the grief, the healing, the thoughts of blame, and unworthiness. We talked about it. We realized that all parties enter into this relationship through a loss. For us, our loss has been infertility. For the child, it is not growing up in the history and subculture they were born into. For the birth mother, it is losing her baby. For a child, I likened the feelings to a parent’s divorce, and everything the child feels in that situation. There is loss throughout the process for everyone. The sooner we realize it, the better we can understand everyone else. The sooner we can emotionally deal with our loss, the sooner we will be ready to acknowledge the loss of others. Not easy steps, but glad we brought it out into the open.

3.) Respect
We have committed to each other not to denigrate or tarnish the image of the birth mother for any reason. At this stage we don’t even know her. But it is important to love and respect the child by respecting the birth mother. We have committed to do so.

4.) “Where Facts Flounder, Fantasy Flourishes”
They said that most kids make up a story as to why they were adopted. Some are putting themselves to blame and some are fantasy tales of arriving on the back of a dragon. The point is the more information you can give a child as to their history, the less they will have to make up. Confidence in who they are and who you are is everything; this is what will allow them to be comfortable with their being adopted. The daughters there were able to be open with us because they knew their own history, sometimes knew their birth parents and why they were adopted. It made us realize things we can do now to help in future years for our children to see the process we went through (how much we wanted them) and once we get matched with a birth mother, finding out as much about her, the child’s father, their talents and abilities, their weaknesses, everything.

5.) Ways to help adoption make sense to a young child.
Adoption can be a scary thing for a child (dealing with the issue of loss and within that guilt, ect.) We learned two phrases that will really help us discuss adoption to our kids and let them know they are/were loved and at the center of the process (in a good way.) So here they go: “While you were growing in your mommy’s tummy you were growing in my heart.” And “Your birth mommy knew she couldn’t be your everyday mommy, so she searched for a mommy like me to be your everyday mommy.” So I know the first is kind of cheesy, but it gets the point across, you are special and I love you. The second one just makes sense.

So it has been a lot of information. They gave us another stack of paper work to read concerning issues of adoption and the make up of children who are adopted. Melissa has been reading away, makes notes, underlining things all day throughout our travel. Our next class is late January.

We’ll keep you updated with events from our trip home. We’ll be having many conversations about adoption, all the issues so we’ll let you know of the relevant things there as well. I think we are over Georgia by now so North Carolina, here we come!

Adoption Class # 1

One of the requirements we must go through to be approved by the Kinship Center is a set of 4 classes. Each class is three hours from 6:30 - 9:30 on Monday evenings, once a month. While we aren't looking forward to the hour plus there drive fighting rush hour traffic in Los Angeles, we are looking forward to these classes.

One of the things we really respected and appreciated about the Kinship Center is their philosophy and strength in counseling (both adoptive parents and birth parents). This first class will be our first true exposure to the depth of the issue on their end. We've read portions of books but are always looking to prepare ourselves more.

The title to this session is called "Lifelong Adoption Issues." It should be good. I (Adam) usually like to prepare close the event instead of add a lot of distance from it. With parenting though, its different. You've got to have a game plan and you've got to know the issues before they happen. I want us to be proactive parents not reactive parents. I look forward to hearing different ways we can guide our child(ren) through their identities, both biologically and us as a family. My psychology background peaks up with these sort of things as well.

What about you. Do you yourself or some you know who is adopted/Adopting have any pieces of wisdom on Lifelong Adoption Issues, again focusing on relationship with the birth family and how adoption fits into their identity as they grow up? Let us know. We'll give an update on the session when we get back.

What an amazing community

We recently called a few people and sent out a few emails finally announcing the whole adoption thing. (For those who didn't know before, surprise! we are adopting!)

What a response from our community. We've had friends from all walks of life email or call to let us know their of their prayers and encouragement. We've been overwhelmed with the love we've felt from these people and are even more strengthened to move forward. Know your quick drops of emails and comments warms our hearts and exhorts us to continue on. We will need all of you in the ensuing months during the roller coaster we face.

Some have shared their future intentions to adopt. Some have given their personal stories (whether adopted themselves or have adopted) or the stories of relatives. We look forward to the wisdom you've gained and the ways you can lead us in this process. We are glad we are not alone in the matter.

Thank you to those who've responded and thank you to those who are following our journey through the blog

We are going to be PARENTS!

Friday night was the last night of Marriage counseling. A couple of months ago Fuller school of Psychology offered free marriage counseling, and we jumped on it. Why wait until things are broken to get a tuneup? We decided early on that we would treat ourselves to dinner at California Pizza Kitchen after our last session.

As we were wrapping things up at Fuller, one of the counselors asked if we had thought about all that we had learned and how that will effect how we will relate to our child as parents. Well to be honest we hadn't thought too much about this, and hearing it out loud was kind of overwhelming. In that wow this is really happening kind of way.

So as we sat at CPK eating yummy white pizza with apple smoked bacon, we talked and imagined a little about what it will be like. Of course we were kind of giddy as we dreamed but also feeling the heaviness of, Holy Diapers we are going to be PARENTS. We kind of stared at each other with the can you believe it look.

The night ended with us sitting at Starbucks scheming ways to save more money, organize a yard sale, get hand me downs, and smiling in the reality of it all.

Adding to the Hoffman Family.

After a long year of trying to start a family and discovering infertility, We have decided to ADOPT!

We are so excited about this there are no words to express it. The decision was long coming, but we know that this is where God is taking us. We are still struggling with the emotions of losing the ability to get pregnant, but God has done amazing things to heal our hearts. Even the process of deciding to Adopt and starting to think about a child in our lives has brought us Joy and Hope is alive again. We are going to be PARENTS! Scary isnt it.

We have no idea how long this process will take, but we do know that God is with us every step of the way. Stay around for updates on the process.